GREG GUTFELD: I were a biological woman I would call this stolen valor

GREG GUTFELD: I were a biological woman I would call this stolen valor

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Happy Monday! Happy Monday, everybody. Hope you had a good weekend. Calm down lady. Well, it’s a story that rocked the globe like a giant rock hitting a globe. Or, in this case, two globes. And, as usual, we’re the only show that’s covering this. Yes, it’s day 18 of… 


If it happens up there we report down here. You’re watching gazoombagate, Canada 2023, week three. 


Yep, it’s week three. As you know, we’ve been on top of this story like Biden’s nose on a girl scout’s freshly shampooed scalp. It’s the story of the shop class teacher who’s wearing super jumbo never existed in reality prosthetic breasts to class. It’s great. In the unlikely event of a water emergency landing, your shop teacher can be used as a flotation device. But the story isn’t so much about the monstrous melons but the school’s reaction. They’re still attempting to normalize the situation that is anything but normal. Here’s a recap. 


GREG GUTFELD: According to the Toronto Sun, she, was once a he, began identifying as female last year and started wearing massive prosthetic breasts to class. But apparently only recently kids in the school started posting about her. The school is standing by her saying, of course, what’s really at issue is her gender rights. Is it all along troll or was it a mistake converting bra size from inches to metric? One thing for sure if there’s a shop class that requires protective goggles, this is it. 


Now there have been angry protests, upset parents and aroused and confused babies. And, of course, the usual woke school board that will defend anything if it fits their twisted view of the world, including those two mother of all coconuts under his or her sweater. But what’s missing is the teacher’s words. According to the Toronto Sun, a paper, Kat, the teacher still shows up to class every day. Yet, I can’t find a single interview with this person. Maybe it’s too difficult to get the mic within reaching distance of her face. But it’s more evidence to me that this might be one big chain yanker. The school and the board, though, are still sticking with mindless blather that they support gender rights even if they look as foolish as a woman doing push-ups. 

 GRAPHIC: A sexist would say!


Just making sure. But it’s like the old fable the emperor with no clothes except here it is a shop teacher with chesticles so big if they were states they would be worth 98 electoral votes. The school’s game plan is to hope this scandal simply deflates, and soon we’ll all move on to something else, but I’m not. As a child, I was bottle-fed so I’m extra intrigued about this. Story’s too big, it’s too robust, too ample and voluptuous to ignore. I just want to bury my face in it. I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth. Yeah. Fact is, obviously a person can do whatever they want with their appearance. 

Even if it frightens small children. 


Even if it confuses barbers. 


But still you’ve got to factor in time and place and age appropriateness. We put guardrails on everything. Sure, dress like a Macy’s parade float, but on your own time. Not at school where there’s kids. Because if you’re okay with this, then why can’t another teacher show up with a giant inflatable penis? And I don’t mean Brian Kilmeade. 


But, yeah it’s true, he’s not inflatable. But how is that also not an exercise in gender rights? It’s the same thing. So I return to the essential question. Is this real or not? Here’s another recap.


GREG GUTFELD: An anonymous post from a message board, which is where I get all my facts, claims this person isn’t transitioning but trolling. It reads in part, this dude is gaming the system. This teacher was almost fired for toxic masculinity last year as well as not embracing woke culture. He dropped red pills to his class such as how silly gender-neutral bathrooms are. The school board hates him now he’s upping the anti to exploit the very clown word the school and society itself created. 


Who knows the teacher could be punking everyone. If so, I want this teacher to be my best friend. Maybe, maybe my next president. One thing’s for sure, whatever ticket you throw him or her on, it’s going to tip over. But pranks like this exposes the profound uselessness of the educational system. This gag is a more accurate assessment than a standardized test. Fact is the administration would rather judge people who have an issue with the teacher than actually manage the teacher herself. If you’re concerned, well, then you must be the problem. And the school implies that by creating a safety plan for the teacher. Which should start by installing a safety guard on that table saw. 


Honestly, I can hardly watch the deli guy slice my turkey breast. The last thing I want to see is this idiot accidentally slicing off his acrylic areolas. But according to the Sun, e-mails were sent to parents telling them that police will make ensure students behave when they protest. Yes they might riot over big fake bleep. What do we want? Real [bleep]. When do we want them? Now. Hey, hey, hoe, ho, your fake boobs have got to go. I don’t see anybody doing that. It’s surreal the story keeps going on reflecting the sad fact that common sense can no more diffuse absurd situations. No one can stop it. A Supreme Court justice nominee can’t define a woman. 

Supreme Court Justice nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson testifies during her Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing.  (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)
(AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Maybe they should show her a picture of the shop teacher. But that’s where we are. Educators can’t even admit when they’re being played by an impractical joker or a mentally ill male with a distorted view of what a woman is. Rather than deal with the underlying truth, they just cowardly murmur respect gender rights, hoping that will keep us pacified. They could just ask the teacher to knock it off but unlike the teacher they have no balls. Lastly, where are all the feminists? They can’t all be trimming their mustaches at the same time. 

GRAPHIC: Wow, yet another sexist would say!

I’m glad you caught that one. You would have been fired if you didn’t. So how should a progressive woke woman take this story? It’s no compliment that for a male adopting the trans female life it’s more about a costume that exaggerates one of the more super official features of female femininity. I mean what constitutes a female is simply giant fake [Bleep]. We don’t think much of women then. It’s all just dress-up. If I were a biological woman I would call it stolen valor, but really it’s more like stolen badge. Believe me, that’s going to stick. But the gender warriors never really have much to say on this stuff. 


They claim to be feminists until they find themselves up against men pretending to be women. They then suddenly lack testosterone. In the end it doesn’t matter if the teacher is sincere or silly, it’s the response that tells the story, and it’s as sad as it is hilarious. And you can bet that I’m glad I got that off my chest. And, yes, ladies, it’s real.

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