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Yes. Yes. Happy Thursday everybody. You look fantastic. I’m lying, but I’m so excited because it’s time for.
ANNOUNCER: If you look into the mirror, and you don’t like what you see. Bright and early next morning you can change your identity. You know, it’s time to return to gender. New clothes, new name. Return to gender. Never be the same. If you’ve got a feeling there’s something you lack. Just switch your pronouns and refuse to switch them back.
Yeah. No. All right, all right, all right. President Zelenskyy was just in New York for the U.N. General Assembly to plead for more help for Ukraine, meaning more money, more weapons, and fewer visits from Sean Penn. Unfortunately, he didn’t get to meet with President Biden. Too bad he was looking forward to almost shaking his hand, but Zelenskyy missed a lot more than high-fiving the zombie in chief. He also didn’t know that the spokesperson for his own military was this American person. Yeah, just an all-American girl. One who makes Leah Thomas look like Reese Witherspoon.
SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: Next week, the teeth of the Russian devils will gnash ever harder and their rabid mouths will foam in uncontrollable frenzy as the world will see a favorite Kremlin propagandist pay for their crimes and this puppet of Putin is only the first. Russia’s war criminal propagandists will all be hunted down and justice will be served.
Sorry lady, Justice would be served if someone bought you a better wig. I also apologize to everyone on the West Coast watching this at dinnertime, especially if you’re having sausage. So Zelenskyy didn’t know who Sarah Ashton-Cirillo was, a deeply strange transgender spokesperson. Good for him. I usually don’t find out the damsel is a dude until we’re back at the hotel. But now the Ukrainian military has suspended Sarah for being a massive psycho on social media. Viewers might also remember this one.
SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: If you look at Putin’s mouth, you’ll notice that blood drips from it. He’s a vampire carrying out genocide against both Ukrainians and Russians alike. Vlad Putin bathes in the blood of innocent children and enjoys it and this is why the dictator of the Russian Federation must be deposed.
Doesn’t it seem hypocritical for a trans person to be insulting vampires? After all, they come from trans-ylvania. But Sarah seems nice. If by nice you mean bat **** crazy. So this isn’t really about Sarah being trans at all. It’s that she’s insane and an American spokesperson for a foreign war. I don’t get it. And yeah, Putin is a bad guy. True. He makes Ivan the Terrible seem like Ivan the Not so Bad Once You Get to Know Him. And if you ever meet Putin, my advice is don’t stand near any open windows. That breeze you feel is an oligarch flying by from the floor above you. Vlad has had more enemies whacked than anyone, although there is a close second. But apparently Zelenskyy had no idea who this was and claims he never approved Ashton-Cirillo’s hiring, but then there are a lot of things Zelenskyy doesn’t know, like how to find green shirts at Old Navy that fit. But it’s as if that gets him off the hook and by hook, I mean Sarah’s penis. I know, but Zelenskyy not knowing about this person, who could have predicted that?
TOM SHILLUE: It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know who they are, but has anyone asked Zelenskyy about, you know [if] he’s comfortable with this person. They should. They should put that to him.
Mmmm, Tom Shillue, his slogan should be he’s as smart as he is white. So why does he have H.R. department finally involved? It’s not because poor Sarah requested time off for a prostate exam and a pap smear. It’s because this nutjob with a nut sack is going after U.S. citizens. Last week, Senator J.D. Vance sent a letter to Secretary of State Anthony Blinken asking who the hell this person is and why a U.S. citizen is acting as a spokesperson for a foreign government and why he, she, and, or, it keeps going online and saying crazy things. I mean, who does Sarah think she is, Joy Behar? So, Vance wants to know what we want to know. Who is this clown? Why is an American acting as a spokesperson for the Ukrainian military? And who’s paying for all this? And why does he keep giving me flashbacks of my eighth grade lunch lady? And now I clutch my privates when I hear the words tater tots. This cuckoo clock responded to the senator’s inquiry with yet another deeply odd video.
SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: While in Ukraine we are fighting for global liberty and the ideology of victory too many in Moscow and across the world are still caught up in focusing on the tired trope of gender chaos.
Sorry, champ. This statement about gender chaos might carry more weight if it wasn’t coming from a guy named Sarah. I mean, how can Ukraine not win with this person involved? Look, it’s just that after 250-years of the U.S. Military, you’re the first spokesperson to tuck in their balls before getting dressed. But kudos for stealing Jen Psaki’s hair. So how did Sarah get this far in the military, our military? The oddball holds the rank of junior sergeant, which means someone promoted this. I guess being a protected class opens every door and not just the ones to the girls’ locker room, but does Sarah want to finish by stating anything unequivocally?
SARAH ASHTON-CIRILLO: I’ll finish by stating unequivocally that I only answer to three groups of people. My Ukrainian commanders, the Ukrainian people and the American taxpayer.
Well, he left out the girls at the Macy’s makeup counter who helped him hide his 5 o’clock shadow. But he says he answers to American taxpayers. Well, okay, as an American taxpayer, I demand an answer, do you get yeast infections or jock itch? But also what the hell is going on over there? Yes, they’re fighting a war. I should know I’m paying for it. But they had no idea this charmer was going online and saying all this bizarre **** on their behalf. It’s like the equivalent of the head of FOX News not knowing that Kilmeade still works here. But it’s like everything else in this administration, no one knows what the hell comes out of Joe’s mouth either. And between Sam Brinton and Rachel Levine, we don’t have an administration, we have a live theatrical rendition of Tootsie.
Maybe Sarah is the perfect metaphor for this war, soaking up a lot of money, relying on rhetoric instead of reality, all while making grand speeches about freedom. But if you look closer, you won’t like what slaps you in the face.
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