NEWYou can now listen to Fox News articles!
Alright, to the monologue. And yes, it’s also that day of the week.
VIDEO: Assemble together in one place, the greatest segment in cable television: Trans Tuesday. Well, hey, wait a minute. I’m not Tuesday, I’m Saturday.
Yes, it’s Trans Tuesday, where each topic has a little extra junk in the trunk. But first fencing. In a sport where two people jab at each other with long objects, you might assume biological males have a competitive advantage. At least that’s what I observed in the FOX News men’s room.
Talk about sword fights. I’m undefeated mainly because Lou Dobbs retired. Now, an anonymous female fencing competitor is speaking out against trans fencer Eden Philpot, calling the inclusion of bio males in the sport “unfair, ill-thought and short-sighted,” which is pretty much the same thing all of us said when Fox hired Jesse Waters.
Eden, formerly Evan Philpot, started competing against women last year. Philpot was awarded medals in both foil and saber, a rare accomplishment in fencing, and he also took first place in the category of having a wang. So it looks like Philpot’s back to glory was as clear as his Adam’s apple. When you’re not good enough to compete against men, go for the girls. And everybody is supposed to applaud your courage, right? How progressive. The actually female athlete who wants to remain unidentified so every prick in the world doesn’t scream threats at her in public, however, says this “What I’m seeing happening right now is a total disregard for the integrity of women’s sports at all ages.” But as we know, this stuff is happening all over. See it in swimming, volleyball, and in Illinois, two trans cyclists recently crushed the female competition, winning gold medals at two elite female races in just four days. But to prove they were just as feminine, the trans women’s bikes did have baskets with little plastic flowers on them.
But hey, girls, it’s not so bad. They may beat you on the bike, but you’ll get revenge when those bike seats lower those women’s sperm counts. And Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, a school voted to rehire a transgender female tennis coach who was caught changing in the girls’ locker room and talking to students about undergarment preferences and menstruation. A transgender female tennis coach. Finally, someone who’s Billie Jean and a king.
However, usually playing doubles doesn’t mean adjusting your testicles. But you can see how the left’s obsession with integrating a gender ideology everywhere has driven a lot of people completely bat s*** in record time. When you openly reject basic human biology, all the old rules are abandoned like a West Wing bag of cocaine. And that’s despite a recent Gallup poll that shows almost 70% of Americans don’t think men should be allowed to compete with women athletically. Well, unless it’s to make the WNBA watchable.
I know, but, you know, who is really worked up about all this stuff? Keith Olbermann. But cut him some slack. These days getting worked up is the only work he gets. Keith has always had a problem with women. He even described one woman who pissed him off as a “big mashed-up bag of meat with lipstick on it.” We heard his grandmother never forgave him. But those are strong words coming from a man who is a giant bag of douche. So this issue is perfect for him. He gets to insult and lie about women, and his ever-dwindling fan base of mental patients will cheer him on for his inclusivity. Like when he said this to Riley Gaines, “Can you just address the reality and move past it? You sucked at swimming.” I know. And he adds, “That’s why you lost.” Wow. I wonder what women did to him to make him hate the lady folks so much. But maybe it’s what they didn’t do. He’s like one of Richard Branson’s planes and has virgin written all over him. Thank you. Thank you. Very good. Very good. Now, his statement was a lie, of course. So Riley put him in a body bag. Figuratively.
VIDEO OF RILEY GAINES RESPONDING TO KEITH OLBERMANN
WOW. Usually, Keith has to pay a chick for a beating like that. Maybe Riley should challenge Keith to a women’s swim meet. He’s already f*******. I just imagine Keith in a swimming pool and now I want to spray a whole can of Lysol into my brain. Picture a hemorrhoid with a bad hairpiece. That’s Keith. But he’s just a symptom. In 2023, male chauvinism has been repackaged as inclusivity. Harassing women is now diversity. Destroying the dreams of young female athletes is equity.
That’s how you behave when your whole philosophy is based on an insane lie. Just ask the folks at Anheuser-Busch who champion the fine art of woman face. Dylan Mulvaney, the worst spokesman for alcohol since Ted Kennedy. But hey, this is what you get when you reject the birds and the bees. Everybody else gets stung except the one with a pecker.
For more Culture, Media, Education, Opinion, and channel coverage, visit foxnews.com/media